“Like having an abortion,” she repeated. “You’re right – I deserved that.” Silence. “Maybe no sane woman. Or no decent woman.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. You’ve got to stop beating yourself up like that. Anyway, do you want to hear the story or not?”
“Sure. Why not. After all this is over, I’ll just have to take up karaoke.”
“Yeah, right. Anyway, nothing happened for a very long time. I kept up my training and prepared for a war that never seemed to come. I began to think that I was wasting my time – that we were all wasting our time. I didn’t realize that the Adversary was also preparing – reading the same books, learning the same martial arts, marshalling support among the other ang-, uh . . . people.
“And it all came to a head at some point?”
“Yes. I received a summons, and found myself addressing the largest army I had ever seen. My army. My army to command. I looked out at them, and I saw the jealousy in the eyes of my generals – far older and more experienced than me – and heard them whisper to each other. This kid? I got passed over for this kid? What kind of joke is this?”
“And I looked at the soldiers, and I looked in their eyes. And I knew that they figured that here was a kid whose only wounds were the paper cuts he had received from his books. And all I wanted to do was walk away. Turn around and walk away.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No. I didn’t. I knew they wanted me to speak – to say something to inspire them. They knew that the forces against them were well-trained and equipped – and the Adversary was noted for his ability as a general. A brilliant leader – and charismatic.”
“And what did you say?”
“I opened my mouth, and a croak came out. I sounded like you after the blueberry scent had taken hold. So I took a sip of water and tried again. My voice cracked, and I thought I was going to wet my pants.”
“You were that afraid?”
“Yes, that afraid. I wasn’t afraid of death, you understand, or even of failure. I was afraid that I might succeed.”
“Evelyn looked at him. “Now I really don’t understand.”
“Until then I had always believed that it was all temporary. They would find out that the threat wasn’t real. Or it would be real, and we would take care of it and go home. But when I was standing up there, I realized that, if I succeeded, I would be a hero. I could never go home again – never write a song, never look at the clouds without calculating whether they would produce too much rain for the cavalry. The thought of losing, the fear of losing, was unbearable – but the idea of winning was almost more than I could bear.”
Silence. “Do you suppose that the other men sensed it?”
“They certainly sensed something. By the time I had managed to move my voice into a reasonable register and start to say something that was vaguely inspirational, I could see that a few of the soldiers in the back were slipping away. The officers – I don’t know what they thought. A few of them told me later. The whole thing was pretty embarrassing.”
“It sounds horrible.”
“I couldn’t walk through the camp without people nudging each other and whispering. If the Adversary had had any spies in the camp, he was probably rolling on the ground laughing when he heard their reports.”
“No doubt.”
“Maybe that was the idea. I don’t know. I do know that there were at least 5 generals who were far better qualified for the job than I was. If it had been any other group, I would probably have suffered a convenient accident before the battle, but God’s troops don’t operate that way.”
“I would suppose not.”
“I thought that I might get some advice from God himself, but he seemed to be busy with the construction project. At the time I thought that it was the most bizarre thing in the world – to be preoccupied with a construction project while an upstart warrior is threatening to dethrone you. But there is an advantage to working for someone who can see the future, and the whole thing worked out very well.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll tell you after lunch. Let’s stop here.”
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
The Scent of the Blueberry -- 15
Evelyn laughed ruefully. “Well, it would be pretty damn inconvenient if you didn’t have it.”
Michel smiled. “True. But let me go on. We usually select a new body, but there are times that we borrow one that’s already in use.”
“Now that sounds a lot like the plot of a bad sci-fi movie.”
“Maybe, but it’s not fiction. You know how sometimes they talk about someone being possessed?
Well, it’s something like that. That’s the alternative. The possessing spirit generally leaves the body when it’s killed. The only thing is that the spirit can’t repossess the same body. ”
“That sounds kind of arbitrary.”
“No, I think it has something to do with the activation of an immunity function. That’s the current thinking anyway. We have a bunch of R&D scientists working on that.”
“Somehow I’m not surprised,” she said dryly.
“Anyway, on with the story. When I was still young and in training, they took me away from my parents and removed me from the school.”
“Who is ‘they’?”
“It doesn’t really matter. They were acting under orders. You see, if you’re religious, you believe in something called ‘the will of God’. That’s the ultimate authority, and the ultimate reason for doing anything. Part of the purpose of life would be to discern the will of God, and to follow it.”
“Not in my book.”
“You and a lot of other people. But, anyway, they told my parents and the school officials that it was the will of God. And, of course, they let me go.”
“And this was all because you were different? Because you were some kind of child prodigy or something?”
“Not in any way that I could see. Now this is the funny thing about God – the thing that I have never figured out. One of the things, at least.”
"If I had been a human being, a regular human being, the government or someone might have come to my parents, or to the school, and said, ‘Look. This kid is really good in math. Or music. Or tiddlywinks, whatever. We want to take him aside and put him with other kids who are also good at that.’ You see what I mean? I would never have had to learn basketball, or French, or anything else – because the community had a whole bunch of other people who could do that. Besides, they probably would have pulled out anybody who was especially good at basketball or French, and they wouldn’t have had to study music or math. You know what I mean?’
Evelyn nodded.
“God doesn’t work that way – it’s like he has an entirely different set of rules. So I get pulled out, and I receive specialized military training. Martial arts.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, if God were God, you’d figure that he would do smart things. So how smart is that?”
“I don’t know how smart it is. But I do know that he does it pretty consistently – pick people to do things that really weren’t the most likely individuals. David to fight Goliath, almost any one of the Apostles, Mohammed – take your pick. If humans had been creating a short list, none of those people would have been on it. But hey, you know, it does seem to work out in the end.”
“Did it work out in the end for you?”
“In the end, yes. For the divine will anyway.” Michel smiled. “For the divine will – definitely. For me, well, maybe that doesn’t matter so much.”
“So how did it work out?”
“It went on for a long time, especially if you measured it in the way that humans measure time. Martial arts on a spiritual level are different from martial arts on a human level – but the underlying ideas, the essence, is still the same. Discipline, self-deprivation, self-sacrifice, respect for authority. . .”
“Doesn’t sound like an easy program for a little boy. Especially a little boy who loves to hear his mother sing around the house.”
Michel paused. “Or who loves to look at the clouds and the stars. No, there was no more of that, and no more singing around a house, as you put it. It was all about the drill. Each day had its structure, and we never deviated from it.”
“So they wanted you to become a little soldier. But why? I mean, God is supposed to be so powerful, right? Why would a God need a little boy, a little mathematical prodigy, to become a soldier?”
Michel smiled. “Well, you do have to realize that the Almighty doesn’t always confide in me.”
Evelyn whistled through her teeth. “Well, at least that’s one piece of disbelief that I won’t have to suspend, eh?”
“But, the way it turned out, there was a real danger, a real threat. I don’t know if that threat was powerful enough to pose any kind of real danger to God himself – I mean, if you’re Almighty, I figure that you don’t have to worry about that kind of thing. But there was a threat to God’s creation and, of course, he saw that long before it actually developed.”
“But if the author of this threat had free will, it wouldn’t have been predetermined – so God couldn’t have foreseen it. Right?”
“You’ll have to ask God about that one,” Michel smiled. “I don’t know. All I know is that he saw it coming, and my training was part of the preparation.”
“I still don’t get it. If God knew everything, he would see it coming. Then, if God, your God, I should say, was almighty, no offense but he wouldn’t need you to stop it. Right?”
“You’re right. What I mean is, you’re right when you say that you don’t get it. It just doesn’t happen that way – don’t ask me why. God had decided that I was going to be the person who’d take care of this for him.”
“Kind of a hit man.”
“What?”
“You know – like a hit man for the Mafia. You’re telling me that God had a problem, and wanted you to fix it for him. You work for a God who doesn’t take out his own dirty laundry – he takes little boys, little boys who love music, the clouds and the stars, away from their mothers. That’s what you’re telling me.”
“Look, I’m not judging it. I’m not in the position to judge God.” Michel paused. “And neither are you.”
Silence. “You’re right, I suppose,” Evelyn admitted. “And I didn’t mean to attack your religious beliefs. I think that everyone has a right to worship and believe the way they want. Everyone that is,” she looked down at her ankle chain, “until it interferes with the freedom of others. I guess maybe you could see why I wouldn’t believe in this God of yours.”
Michel sighed. “As I said, the existence of God doesn’t depend on our belief.”
“Alright. We’ve gone around in one big circle. So, before I had so rudely interrupted you. . . okay, maybe that’s not fair. Look, Michel, I’m sorry if you feel as though you were taken from your mother like that. Whether or not it’s by a God, there’s really no excuse for that. And I’d feel sorry for your mother as well. You didn’t have any sibs?
“No.”
“No one to sing to. That’s something I would miss. I never thought of a baby as someone to sing to. Maybe God is a man after all. No woman would ever do that – take her child away like that.”
“Like having an abortion.” Michel regretted the words the moment they left his mouth.
Michel smiled. “True. But let me go on. We usually select a new body, but there are times that we borrow one that’s already in use.”
“Now that sounds a lot like the plot of a bad sci-fi movie.”
“Maybe, but it’s not fiction. You know how sometimes they talk about someone being possessed?
Well, it’s something like that. That’s the alternative. The possessing spirit generally leaves the body when it’s killed. The only thing is that the spirit can’t repossess the same body. ”
“That sounds kind of arbitrary.”
“No, I think it has something to do with the activation of an immunity function. That’s the current thinking anyway. We have a bunch of R&D scientists working on that.”
“Somehow I’m not surprised,” she said dryly.
“Anyway, on with the story. When I was still young and in training, they took me away from my parents and removed me from the school.”
“Who is ‘they’?”
“It doesn’t really matter. They were acting under orders. You see, if you’re religious, you believe in something called ‘the will of God’. That’s the ultimate authority, and the ultimate reason for doing anything. Part of the purpose of life would be to discern the will of God, and to follow it.”
“Not in my book.”
“You and a lot of other people. But, anyway, they told my parents and the school officials that it was the will of God. And, of course, they let me go.”
“And this was all because you were different? Because you were some kind of child prodigy or something?”
“Not in any way that I could see. Now this is the funny thing about God – the thing that I have never figured out. One of the things, at least.”
"If I had been a human being, a regular human being, the government or someone might have come to my parents, or to the school, and said, ‘Look. This kid is really good in math. Or music. Or tiddlywinks, whatever. We want to take him aside and put him with other kids who are also good at that.’ You see what I mean? I would never have had to learn basketball, or French, or anything else – because the community had a whole bunch of other people who could do that. Besides, they probably would have pulled out anybody who was especially good at basketball or French, and they wouldn’t have had to study music or math. You know what I mean?’
Evelyn nodded.
“God doesn’t work that way – it’s like he has an entirely different set of rules. So I get pulled out, and I receive specialized military training. Martial arts.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, if God were God, you’d figure that he would do smart things. So how smart is that?”
“I don’t know how smart it is. But I do know that he does it pretty consistently – pick people to do things that really weren’t the most likely individuals. David to fight Goliath, almost any one of the Apostles, Mohammed – take your pick. If humans had been creating a short list, none of those people would have been on it. But hey, you know, it does seem to work out in the end.”
“Did it work out in the end for you?”
“In the end, yes. For the divine will anyway.” Michel smiled. “For the divine will – definitely. For me, well, maybe that doesn’t matter so much.”
“So how did it work out?”
“It went on for a long time, especially if you measured it in the way that humans measure time. Martial arts on a spiritual level are different from martial arts on a human level – but the underlying ideas, the essence, is still the same. Discipline, self-deprivation, self-sacrifice, respect for authority. . .”
“Doesn’t sound like an easy program for a little boy. Especially a little boy who loves to hear his mother sing around the house.”
Michel paused. “Or who loves to look at the clouds and the stars. No, there was no more of that, and no more singing around a house, as you put it. It was all about the drill. Each day had its structure, and we never deviated from it.”
“So they wanted you to become a little soldier. But why? I mean, God is supposed to be so powerful, right? Why would a God need a little boy, a little mathematical prodigy, to become a soldier?”
Michel smiled. “Well, you do have to realize that the Almighty doesn’t always confide in me.”
Evelyn whistled through her teeth. “Well, at least that’s one piece of disbelief that I won’t have to suspend, eh?”
“But, the way it turned out, there was a real danger, a real threat. I don’t know if that threat was powerful enough to pose any kind of real danger to God himself – I mean, if you’re Almighty, I figure that you don’t have to worry about that kind of thing. But there was a threat to God’s creation and, of course, he saw that long before it actually developed.”
“But if the author of this threat had free will, it wouldn’t have been predetermined – so God couldn’t have foreseen it. Right?”
“You’ll have to ask God about that one,” Michel smiled. “I don’t know. All I know is that he saw it coming, and my training was part of the preparation.”
“I still don’t get it. If God knew everything, he would see it coming. Then, if God, your God, I should say, was almighty, no offense but he wouldn’t need you to stop it. Right?”
“You’re right. What I mean is, you’re right when you say that you don’t get it. It just doesn’t happen that way – don’t ask me why. God had decided that I was going to be the person who’d take care of this for him.”
“Kind of a hit man.”
“What?”
“You know – like a hit man for the Mafia. You’re telling me that God had a problem, and wanted you to fix it for him. You work for a God who doesn’t take out his own dirty laundry – he takes little boys, little boys who love music, the clouds and the stars, away from their mothers. That’s what you’re telling me.”
“Look, I’m not judging it. I’m not in the position to judge God.” Michel paused. “And neither are you.”
Silence. “You’re right, I suppose,” Evelyn admitted. “And I didn’t mean to attack your religious beliefs. I think that everyone has a right to worship and believe the way they want. Everyone that is,” she looked down at her ankle chain, “until it interferes with the freedom of others. I guess maybe you could see why I wouldn’t believe in this God of yours.”
Michel sighed. “As I said, the existence of God doesn’t depend on our belief.”
“Alright. We’ve gone around in one big circle. So, before I had so rudely interrupted you. . . okay, maybe that’s not fair. Look, Michel, I’m sorry if you feel as though you were taken from your mother like that. Whether or not it’s by a God, there’s really no excuse for that. And I’d feel sorry for your mother as well. You didn’t have any sibs?
“No.”
“No one to sing to. That’s something I would miss. I never thought of a baby as someone to sing to. Maybe God is a man after all. No woman would ever do that – take her child away like that.”
“Like having an abortion.” Michel regretted the words the moment they left his mouth.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Scent of the Blueberry -- 14
It’s not all that personal a question. Are you religious? Do you believe in God?”
“I used to,” she said sadly. “I really used to. I was raised that way.”
“Why did you stop? Stop believing in God?”
Silence. “Because God stopped believing in me.” Evelyn paused for a moment. “You’re not one of those born again people are you? Someone who’s going to give me a big conversion speech? Because if you are, I think you’re going to have to keep me in chains for a long time.”
“No, I was just trying to explain things. You see, none of this stuff depends on our individual beliefs to exist. What I mean is, God is going to exist or not exist because he does or doesn’t – not because we believe or don’t believe in that existence.”
“No offense, but I think I’m sorry I asked.”
“But that’s the issue, don’t you see? I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for because you won’t believe me.” He paused. “What do you say that we try an experiment?”
“What kind of experiment?”
“You ask, I answer, and you suspend your disbelief – at least for enough time for you to see the whole picture. It’d be like when you go the movies – or read a book. You don’t say, “That guy could never have survived that fall from the building." You just kind of go along with it without being critical – just to see where it takes you. You can always withdraw your belief later – you haven’t committed yourself to anything. What do you say?”
“Sounds a little crazy,” Evelyn said. Still, what did she have to lose? “Okay. What is this all about?”
“First I have to tell you who I am – where I came from. Nothing else makes sense if you don’t understand that.”
“There’s two parts – body and spirit. The spirit came first.” Evelyn winced.
“Remember, suspension of disbelief,” he said.
“Okay.”
“The spirit had its own birth – really before time began. My first memories are of the sky – the movement of our clouds and our stars. They weren’t really clouds or sun, of course. Everything that I’m going to tell you in this part of the story is metaphor. It’s not true, but it isn’t false, either – only translated into terms that we can use words to discuss. Do you understand?”
“Please don’t talk to me like I’m the village idiot. Okay, sorry – yes, I took high school English lit. I know what a metaphor is.”
“Okay. Like I said, the clouds and the stars – and the patterns that they formed. And then I heard music for the first time – my mother would sing as she walked through the day, and her voice was soft and true and divided the silence. And I learned chess, and intuited calculus, and understood the common language that they spoke. I’d lie on my back by the hour, composing music in my head that matched the rotation of the stars. I didn’t speak a word until I went to school – everyone thought that I was defective somehow, but why would you feel the need to speak when the heavens sang in your head every hour and every moment of the day?”
“You were different – did people make fun of you?”
“No – or at least, if they did, I wasn’t aware of it. Everyone pretty much left me alone. It was the happiest time of my life.”
“Because you were alone?”
“Because I was alone with the music and mathematics of creation. I felt the music and mathematics inside myself. Some people – a few rare people – see music in colors. I saw music in shapes, mathematical shapes, and heard music when I played chess. Mathematical formulas – they were simply the words, the language of the shapes, the music – and they ran through my head like water droplets flow down a river.”
“How old were you?”
Michel paused. “It’s difficult to speak of age in a metaphorical sense. I was in training, so I still would have been in the equivalent of an early part of school.”
Evelyn frowned. “And all of this took place before you had a body? When you were only a spirit?”
“You have to understand that the body is an arbitrary factor. You were probably surprised when I wasn’t more emotionally upset at Allen’s death.”
She nodded.
“Allen’s death only affected his body. It was a setback, because now his spirit has to find a new body, so he’s temporarily unavailable for this mission. But it is temporary – he will find a suitable body – either an old one or a new one – and he will continue his existence as the same spirit.”
“What do you mean when you say ‘either an old one or a new one.’”
“Well, usually the spirit will select a new one. We have a certain number of new bodies that are available to us. They’re kind of like blanks – we have to fill them in. For example, when I assumed this body it didn’t have muscles that were well-defined or highly-developed, and it didn’t have any particular knowledge of security procedures. I had to develop those capabilities – I had to learn and train – the same as anyone else.”
“Wait a minute – suspension of disbelief is one thing, but I think you were born like everyone else. I mean, I don’t know what kind of relationship you had with your parents, but they had sex, and then they had you.”
Michel stopped and said, “Wait a minute. Look at this.” He raised the front of his shirt. “What do you see?
She shrugged. “A belly button. A navel – just like everyone else.”
“Look closer. Ignore the scar tissue.”
She did. Michel’s navel was perfect – a perfectly round hole in his abdomen. But Evelyn knew that navels are not perfectly round or symmetrical like this one was. She had to admit that she hadn’t thought about it much but, like snowflakes, she realized that each navel would have to be individual – different from other navels. At the very least, they tended to be slightly elliptical – at the very least, not perfectly round. And this one was.
“I don’t get it.”
“My navel. It’s the result of a surgical procedure.”
Well, they’re all the result of surgical procedures. I mean, I’m not going to go into all the details, but there’s the placenta and the umbilical cord that gets cut and tied off and, presto chango, instant navel. Right?”
“Wrong. This one is entirely cosmetic – surgically added after the selection of the body. My body is. . . a convenience.”
“I used to,” she said sadly. “I really used to. I was raised that way.”
“Why did you stop? Stop believing in God?”
Silence. “Because God stopped believing in me.” Evelyn paused for a moment. “You’re not one of those born again people are you? Someone who’s going to give me a big conversion speech? Because if you are, I think you’re going to have to keep me in chains for a long time.”
“No, I was just trying to explain things. You see, none of this stuff depends on our individual beliefs to exist. What I mean is, God is going to exist or not exist because he does or doesn’t – not because we believe or don’t believe in that existence.”
“No offense, but I think I’m sorry I asked.”
“But that’s the issue, don’t you see? I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for because you won’t believe me.” He paused. “What do you say that we try an experiment?”
“What kind of experiment?”
“You ask, I answer, and you suspend your disbelief – at least for enough time for you to see the whole picture. It’d be like when you go the movies – or read a book. You don’t say, “That guy could never have survived that fall from the building." You just kind of go along with it without being critical – just to see where it takes you. You can always withdraw your belief later – you haven’t committed yourself to anything. What do you say?”
“Sounds a little crazy,” Evelyn said. Still, what did she have to lose? “Okay. What is this all about?”
“First I have to tell you who I am – where I came from. Nothing else makes sense if you don’t understand that.”
“There’s two parts – body and spirit. The spirit came first.” Evelyn winced.
“Remember, suspension of disbelief,” he said.
“Okay.”
“The spirit had its own birth – really before time began. My first memories are of the sky – the movement of our clouds and our stars. They weren’t really clouds or sun, of course. Everything that I’m going to tell you in this part of the story is metaphor. It’s not true, but it isn’t false, either – only translated into terms that we can use words to discuss. Do you understand?”
“Please don’t talk to me like I’m the village idiot. Okay, sorry – yes, I took high school English lit. I know what a metaphor is.”
“Okay. Like I said, the clouds and the stars – and the patterns that they formed. And then I heard music for the first time – my mother would sing as she walked through the day, and her voice was soft and true and divided the silence. And I learned chess, and intuited calculus, and understood the common language that they spoke. I’d lie on my back by the hour, composing music in my head that matched the rotation of the stars. I didn’t speak a word until I went to school – everyone thought that I was defective somehow, but why would you feel the need to speak when the heavens sang in your head every hour and every moment of the day?”
“You were different – did people make fun of you?”
“No – or at least, if they did, I wasn’t aware of it. Everyone pretty much left me alone. It was the happiest time of my life.”
“Because you were alone?”
“Because I was alone with the music and mathematics of creation. I felt the music and mathematics inside myself. Some people – a few rare people – see music in colors. I saw music in shapes, mathematical shapes, and heard music when I played chess. Mathematical formulas – they were simply the words, the language of the shapes, the music – and they ran through my head like water droplets flow down a river.”
“How old were you?”
Michel paused. “It’s difficult to speak of age in a metaphorical sense. I was in training, so I still would have been in the equivalent of an early part of school.”
Evelyn frowned. “And all of this took place before you had a body? When you were only a spirit?”
“You have to understand that the body is an arbitrary factor. You were probably surprised when I wasn’t more emotionally upset at Allen’s death.”
She nodded.
“Allen’s death only affected his body. It was a setback, because now his spirit has to find a new body, so he’s temporarily unavailable for this mission. But it is temporary – he will find a suitable body – either an old one or a new one – and he will continue his existence as the same spirit.”
“What do you mean when you say ‘either an old one or a new one.’”
“Well, usually the spirit will select a new one. We have a certain number of new bodies that are available to us. They’re kind of like blanks – we have to fill them in. For example, when I assumed this body it didn’t have muscles that were well-defined or highly-developed, and it didn’t have any particular knowledge of security procedures. I had to develop those capabilities – I had to learn and train – the same as anyone else.”
“Wait a minute – suspension of disbelief is one thing, but I think you were born like everyone else. I mean, I don’t know what kind of relationship you had with your parents, but they had sex, and then they had you.”
Michel stopped and said, “Wait a minute. Look at this.” He raised the front of his shirt. “What do you see?
She shrugged. “A belly button. A navel – just like everyone else.”
“Look closer. Ignore the scar tissue.”
She did. Michel’s navel was perfect – a perfectly round hole in his abdomen. But Evelyn knew that navels are not perfectly round or symmetrical like this one was. She had to admit that she hadn’t thought about it much but, like snowflakes, she realized that each navel would have to be individual – different from other navels. At the very least, they tended to be slightly elliptical – at the very least, not perfectly round. And this one was.
“I don’t get it.”
“My navel. It’s the result of a surgical procedure.”
Well, they’re all the result of surgical procedures. I mean, I’m not going to go into all the details, but there’s the placenta and the umbilical cord that gets cut and tied off and, presto chango, instant navel. Right?”
“Wrong. This one is entirely cosmetic – surgically added after the selection of the body. My body is. . . a convenience.”
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)